where the heck can it be? this is a small apartment for pete’s sake and i am pretty tidy most of the time. it was here when i left for the weekend. now it is gone. i am starting to suspect my roommate or maybe her “buddy”. i am really upset.

it was a really good book.

also

if i can’t find it i will have to pay for it

fuck

i can’t stop worrying about it.

one thing i can say for dr. ness’s crappyness, it forced me to learn all this stuff for myself.

i got out of lab early so i’m just chillin until my ochem class. hopefully that goes well.

i am so lost

that is just what happens when i get like that. i don’t really know how to describe it even. like being on a small raft in the middle of a flood, no way to steer and no idea where i should be going, people’s faces rushing by me. i watch carefully because i hope they know where they are going.

i never really thought about how my adventist upbringing has affected the way i am now. for so many years being forced to quietly, obediently, unquestioningly follow a strict code of behavior which didn’t make sense to me, struggle to believe religious truths i simply don’t believe in. i have learned not to argue, not to complain, to keep my thoughts and questions to myself because they will not be listened to or understood. in spite of this, i am beginning to learn to trust myself.

as an adventist i was too self conscious to walk by myself without feeling like a bug under a microscope. as an adventist i hated myself and everybody else and i wanted to die. i couldn’t trust myself or anybody else. i couldn’t be happy. at all. it just couldn’t happen. i was sick and i didn’t even know it. all of my emotions were negative, various shades of fear and hatred. anybody who says there is only one way is sadly deceived and probably doing more harm than good.

now i am my own person. i have left adventism, i say nothing of it to my family and they assume i am a better one than when i was trying to be. i am happy and peaceful. i love myself and others a fair amount of the time and i am slowly learning to trust.

just goes to show that nobody can tell you the answer but yourself

the tao that can be explained in words is not the true tao

i am still nervous here. i can’t convince myself that there isn’t a disapproving old person somewhere keeping an eye on me.

adventism lied to me

i am an adult

within the bounds of the state and federal government i can do whatever the fuck i want

pastors and old maid deans don’t know everything

being different does not imply failure

i have been a misfit flying under the radar for so long i don’t know how to fit in

i do fit in here

i could

and i don’t know how to or even if i want to

too busy making sure i don’t say too much, don’t give away too much of my real self

maybe that is why i have always been so far from everyone else. i can’t allow people to let people know who i am because for my whole life to let those around me know who i was was to create trouble, to bring down sermons and disapproval on myself

i don’t know

it will take time to get used to this

i am tired

i need to go to bed

okydoky

holy crap

it snuck up on me

i know it is just an apartment-style dorm but it makes me feel cooler to call it my apartment.

i hope i get along well with my roommates

so many things to think about

school is starting right up again

gah

can i freakin get outa this place already

it will be fantastic

unfortunately it is not finished.

i will probably finish it tomorrow though.

i tried all of my old prom dresses on today

i am definitely keeping them

i WILL find somewhere to where them dammit

i was sitting by the pasture collecting milkweed fiber when the horses walked by and noticed me. little mac’s heart was all healed over, scarred white in places. something flowed into me and the fist in my stomach relaxed itself and fluttered into nothing.

in other news i am learning to vault onto mac. it is much more gracefull than the potato sack method of mounting.

and

*drum roll*

i rode mystic!

yay!

summer goal no.1 accomplished.

wasn’t hard. just coaxed her to the fence with a fistful of grass and climbed on up.

my heart is still thumping

so i don’t have much to write, although last week i did see a fairy ring in an old cemetary. that must mean something. anyways. so i don’t really have anything to write so i am going to post some excellent articles written by other people.

this one is a really good one about not using shampoo. i tried it before but i couldn’t get it to work. this article tells you what you are doing wrong though. i think i was using too much baking soda and vinegar.

http://babyslime.livejournal.com/174054.html?page=2#comments

this one like sums up my beliefs about the universe that i have never been able to express adequately. squishy, you should definitely read this one. it is short.

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/7-principles-to-manifest-intention.html

http://www.motherearthnews.com/Nature-Community/Greatest-Danger-Environmental-Action.aspx

it deals with mainstream western culture’s denial of the precarious position our species has gotten themselves into and how acceptance of above mentioned precarious position will lead the way to a future, hopefully a better one.

motherearthnews.com is in itself a pretty awesome website. lots of articles on sustainability and do-it-yourself projects on being more independent from mainstream society.

i am uber excited to build my own house, solar water heater, and garden.

anyways.

today we are going on a picnic

yay!

marshall is sick

boo

he has had a headache for like a week. that boy needs to bulk up his immune system and eat something besides burritos for once.

so yeah

i have nothing to talk about

NOTHING

oh well.

so there.

i reeeeeeally want to get my housing assignment letter so i know if i have a room.